


filling up with emptiness (did i put it there or did you?)

by inkstained_pages



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Ranboo & TommyInnit Friendship (Video Blogging RPF), Sort Of, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), and he gets one :), at the end, basically tommy cuts himself off, be careful please, from his emotions, no beta we die like george's twitch, pian is all i know, so he doesn't get hurt, there is happiness though dw, this one is a doozy, unedited because i just need to post this already, unintentional though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 23:07:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30029268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkstained_pages/pseuds/inkstained_pages
Summary: He can't find it in him to care anymore. No matter what he does, everyone always winds up hating him and he always loses them in the end.So he lets himself fall into the emptiness, lets it consume him.Because if no one else cares about him, why should he care about himself?Or,5 times Tommy stopped caring, and the 1 time he couldn’t help but do so.
Relationships: Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ranboo & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 58
Kudos: 630





	filling up with emptiness (did i put it there or did you?)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ly_writes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ly_writes/gifts).



> Muahahahahahahahha  
> this is so painful...  
> For the record, i did not intend to write this, but then some lovely humans on the discord convinced me to. So thanks scribble_stars and ly_writes (it wouldn't let me link them but check them out anyway <3)  
> a gift for ly because i love them so much, she is the juliet to my romeo (platonically of course) <3  
> !! TW for apathy, cutting oneself off from emotions, depression, not caring for oneself, dissociation, suicidal thoughts/feelings of worthlessness !!  
> enjoy :)

Tommy’s tired.

He’s _so_ tired. 

There’s no point in caring anymore. He’s not even sure there ever was. How could there be when every time he cares about something, about someone, it gets destroyed in front of him.

How could there be, when he tries and tries and _tries_ to fix things, but he only ever makes everyone hate him.

How could there be, when he _dies_ and comes back to life, and no one even seems to care. They treat him like a freak, like an experiment, like something worth nothing more than a fancy artifact in a museum.

He is a hero only when they want him to be sacrificed in their place. He is a villain the rest of the time.

And that’s-

That’s fine.

Tommy’s played their games enough, he thinks. He’s danced on their stages and followed the rules, the script set out for him. He’s let himself be pulled along on strings and tossed around like a doll.

Now, though, he’s done. He’s too tired to keep going. He doesn’t have it in him to keep playing the game. 

So he’ll throw his cards in, cast his chips and not care anymore where they land.

After all, if no one else cares about him, why should he?

~ ~ ~

  1. Jack



It’s an odd thing, Tommy thinks, not caring when someone is trying to kill you.

Before, he would’ve fought tooth and nail, put on a good show, and inevitably come out on top, because that was the role he was placed in, the hero, the winner.

Now, he sits in silence when Jack shows up on his doorstep with an axe and a murderous glare with the words “I’m going to kill you.”

“Okay,” Tommy says, not even blinking.

Jack stares at him for a few minutes, multiple emotions flashing across his face. Confusion, bewilderment, surprise, frustration, and then finally settling on anger. Tommy thinks being angry all the time is exhausting. He doesn’t know how Jack does it.

(He’s not sure how he himself did.)

“What do you mean “okay”?” Jack snarls at Tommy, stalking forward into Tommy’s dirt home.

Tommy shrugs where he sits against the wall. “Okay. Go ahead, kill me.”

Jack’s anger flares again. He stops walking and stands there staring at Tommy. “What did you say?”

Tommy sighs. “I said-”

“No, I know what you said,” Jack interrupts, brow furrowed. “I’m just annoyed as to why you think this will work on me.”

Now it’s Tommy’s turn to be confused, albeit only mildly. Emotions feel far off nowadays, distant, like a small poke at his consciousness instead of the burning fire they used to be. Tommy can’t quite find it in him to care. 

“Think what will work on you?” He asks. 

“Your- your _tricks!”_ Jack stutters furiously. “Making me think you don’t care so I let my guard down! Goading me on only to stop me effortlessly and laugh in my face later! Thinking you’re so much _better_ than me!”

Tommy quite frankly thinks that all sounds extremely exhausting. He’s quite comfortable where he is in the ground, and if Jack kills him, then oh well. He’ll just go back to the void, and then maybe he can sleep for a while.

_Wilbur’s there_ , a little voice reminds him, the tiny part of him left that still feels. Tommy squashes the voice, reminding himself that _he doesn’t care_. 

He _can’t_ care, or he’ll just be hurt.

“-you even listening?!” Jack’s still angry voice snaps him out of his thoughts.

“Sorry, no. What were you saying?” Tommy says innocently.

Jack shouts in frustration and Tommy wants to tell him to calm down, but then Jack takes a menacing step forward and swings his axe down at Tommy’s face.

He doesn’t flinch, even when the axe nearly brushes the side of his cheek before stopping.

Tommy looks up at Jack’s face and is mildly surprised to find shock and something else (worry?) written all over it.

“You really _don’t_ care,” he whispers painfully.

“Why would I?” Tommy wrinkles his nose slightly in confusion. “I told you I didn’t. I don’t. There’s no point. Everyone’s wanted me dead for so long I don’t see why I should stop them anymore.”

Jack stares at him _again_ , and really, Jack should stop staring if he doesn’t want his eyes to pop out of his head. 

Tommy’s just about to say so, before Jack whirls around and stomps out of the house. He slams the door behind him and the sound echoes in the silence.

Tommy wonders about him for a few minutes, but then pushes the thought away. No use in pondering it. Jack will be back, surely. He’s wanted Tommy dead for so long, and now there’s nothing stopping him.

He’ll be back.

A few days later, and Tommy is right.

He’s outside this time, sitting on the bench and staring at the clouds above him, picking out shapes like he used to do with Tubbo.

(Back when Tubbo used to care about him.)

Jack approaches him, this time with a sword in hand.

“Oh, hello Jack,” Tommy says. “Are you here to kill me now?”

Jack says nothing, only grits his teeth and steps closer.

Tommy hums and closes his eyes. “I would prefer if you could make it quick, but whatever works for you is fine.”

Jack leaves after that.

He comes back a third time, a week later when Tommy is out walking near what used to be L’manburg, staring through the glass at the wreckage.

Once the sight made his chest ache, but now he just appreciates the way the light reflects off the glass and makes beautiful patterns far down below.

“I’m going to kill you this time,” Jack growls from in front of Tommy. Tommy vaguely notes his worried eyes and shaking hands.

“Okay,” Tommy repeats, just like the first time.

Jack lets out a wounded noise, and turns around, vanishing into the distance. 

He doesn’t come back.

Tommy can’t find it in himself to care.

~ ~ ~

  1. The Egg



There are vines on Tommy’s land. Large, red vines. 

They come from the Egg, Tommy knows. It’s not that hard to deduce, seeing as the only large, red vines on the server are the result of the Egg.

He was always neutral about the Egg before, not wanting to get involved as long as no one got hurt.

He remembers not being very fond of the vines, but now he doesn’t really have the energy to destroy them. It doesn’t really matter to him anyway. He doesn’t care.

The vines keep growing.

Tommy leaves them be.

Bad approaches him one day, white cloak and all. Ant trails behind him with red eyes and cruel features.

_That’s new_ , Tommy notes offhandedly. _Oh well._

“Hello, Tommy.” Bad’s voice is smooth, layered in a fine sweetness, but there is a venom underneath it. It sounds like poisoned honey to Tommy.

(The voice screams at him to run. Tommy ignores it.)

“Hi Bad, Ant,” Tommy replies. “What brings you around these parts?”

“We heard you were alive,” Ant cuts in. “It was... good news.”

Tommy sees it in his eyes, in his hesitant words. They wanted him dead and wished he had stayed that way. That’s alright by him. Everyone wants him dead. This is nothing new.

The only reason why people cared in the first place is because they were mad they hadn’t done it themselves.

Tommy nods. “Yeah I’m alive now. Not sure what good it’ll do to anyone. Most people were glad I was dead anyway.”

Bad and Ant both widen their eyes in surprise, and really, people should just stop being surprised at his apathy. What did they expect, when they destroyed everything he loves over and over and over again? When all they do is burn him and break him and treat him like a hardened criminal when all he is is a child who wants to be free?

They should have expected this. They should be overjoyed that he isn’t fighting back anymore, that they finally broke him. They can do what they please with him now, he doesn’t care.

“What do you mean everyone is glad you were dead?” Bad asks carefully. His voice sounds less poisonous, more concerned now. He sounds like the old Bad, and Tommy’s heart almost aches with familiarity. 

Almost.

“Exactly what I said,” Tommy replies. “Everyone’s been trying to kill me for so long, they were glad when I finally bit it. Probably disappointed a lot of them when I came back.” He shrugs. “Not like I had any control over it.”

Bad and Ant exchange glances, something passing between them that Tommy doesn’t feel like deciphering. They can kill him if they want, Tommy knows they do. He won’t stop them.

“Are you... alright, Tommy?” Ant questions. 

Tommy gives them a confused look. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“It’s just,” Bad says, taking a step forward, “you’re not acting like yourself.”

Tommy snorts. “You mean I’m not acting like how you want me to.”

“What?” Bad asks.

“I'm no fun anymore,” Tommy replies, a hint of annoyance colouring his tone. “I don’t play along with your games. I sit here like a broken toy, old and used to the point of being shattered.” He catches his voice starting to raise, and takes a deep breath.

No emotions. No feelings. As long as he doesn’t feel, he can’t hurt.

(That part of him that cries out to let himself feel screams, but Tommy silences it. He’s getting good at that.)

“You broke me and now you’re disappointed that I don’t work anymore.” His voice is back to monotone. “But that’s alright. Now you can finally throw me out.”

Bad and Ant say nothing, instead they grip their tridents and fly away into the night.

Tommy sighs and goes to bed. 

~ ~ ~

  1. Tubbo and Ranboo



It isn’t surprising when Tubbo finds someone else. 

Tommy hasn’t been around as much, especially since exile happened. Those months spent away from everyone seem to have driven a large wedge in between Tubbo and Tommy’s friendship. And then being stuck in prison for a month made them drift apart even further.

It seems their story finished when they got the discs back. Tubbo finished the job with Tommy, and with that was finished with Tommy.

It makes sense. Tommy isn’t exactly great friend material. He knows that.

(That annoyingly emotional part of him wants to cry, it wishes that Tubbo had actually loved Tommy enough to stay. He ignores it again. No one could ever love him that much.)

He sees them around, whenever he actually has enough motivation to get out of bed and leave his house. 

They look happy, Ranboo and Tubbo walking hand in hand, oftentimes Ranboo having to stop and wait while Tubbo looks at something or other the brunet finds interesting. 

Once Tommy saw Ranboo pick a flower and give it Tubbo, who beamed and gave him a hug.

He’s a much better friend than Tommy ever was. Tubbo deserves him.

Tommy doesn’t deserve anyone.

So he cuts himself off from both of them, lets them grow as friends and makes sure he doesn’t intrude. They deserve to be happy.

And when Tommy catches himself wishing for the embrace of his once best friend, he shuts himself down and kills his sadness. He can’t feel or he’ll just hurt, so the only solution is to not feel at all.

He sees Ranboo chasing after Tubbo and stares blankly ahead.

He sees Tubbo show Ranboo a redstone machine he’s been working on and squashes the pit of misery in his gut. 

He sees Ranboo and Tubbo going everywhere together and he forces himself to not care.

He can’t care. He thinks if he does it’ll kill him.

(Maybe he should just let it.)

~ ~ ~

  1. Techno and Phil



It’s Techno who comes next, and this time Tommy is surprised.

He’d never thought _Techno_ would care about him in any way. All he’s good for to the blood god is a target on the wall, another tally mark on his list of kills.

That’s probably why he’s here now.

“What do you want Techno?” Tommy asks, his voice weighted with exhaustion.

Techno looks him up and down and Tommy hates the look of disappointment that flashes across his face for a second. Then he reminds himself he doesn’t care and sinks back into the welcoming embrace of emptiness.

“I heard from the grapevine that you were alive,” Techno rumbles in that deep voice of his. “Wanted to come see for myself.”

Ah, that makes sense. He’s a painting to Techno, just another mystery to be solved, a statue of some ancient greek hero to be examined and scrutinized.

Tommy’s glad when no pang of hurt comes. He’s getting better at letting the emptiness fill him. He turns away so he doesn’t have to see Techno.

“Well I am,” Tommy says. “Are you here to change that?”

Techno huffs in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Are you here to kill me?” Tommy says bluntly. “Of course I’m not here to kill you, why would I do that?” Techno asks exasperatedly.

“That’s all anyone ever seems to want to do to me.”

“And what if I am here to kill you?” Techno says into the deafening silence.

Tommy shrugs. “I wouldn’t stop you.”

Techno is silent, and Tommy turns around to find him gone.

Good.

Techno comes back a few hours later with Phil in tow. That’s predictable of him. There’s not many things that Techno is predictable about, but if there’s one, it’s Phil.

Whenever Techno can’t solve a problem he goes to Phil, and once, Tommy had been able to do that too.

It’s been a long time since that was an option.

“Hey mate,” Phil says, like he hadn’t left Tommy at Dream’s mercy and then tried to kill him a few weeks later. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Tommy replies, sinking further into the numb before his emotions can come for him. “What are you doing here?”

“Techno said something was up with you and asked me to come.”

Tommy resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Nothing’s wrong. I don’t even know why you’re here. You’ve never cared before.”

He sees Phil flinch, ever so slightly, which is odd because he’s not wrong. Phil never cared about him, it’s always about Techno or Wilbur, his _real_ son. 

Like he hadn’t ever taken Tommy in when Wilbur first brought him around.

Tommy pushes the thoughts away.

He doesn’t care.

“Mate, you know that’s not true,” Phil tries to say, but Tommy knows better. Lucky for Phil he doesn’t feel like shouting at the man. He doesn’t feel like doing anything anymore these days.

He hums. “Alright, if you say so.”

Phil makes a concerned noise. “Are you alright Tommy?”

“I’m just fine,” Tommy replies neutrally. “Never better.”

“Are you sure?” He continues, and Tommy really wishes he would shut up because bad emotions are trying to crawl out of the pit and drag him under and he _can’t_ let that happen. “You seem a little... off.”

“I’m fine,” he almost snaps, before shoving away the anger. 

“You don’t seem fine, Tommy,” Techno interrupts bluntly. 

“You can tell us,” Phil adds. “We care about you.”

Tommy scoffs before he can stop himself. “You only care now because I'm no fun to play with anymore."

There’s silence for a beat before Techno breaks it.

“What does that mean?” 

“I don’t react the same way I used to,” Tommy says, back to his monotone voice. “What’s the point in killing someone who doesn’t fight back? What’s the point in playing with a broken toy?”

Phil says something, but Tommy isn’t listening anymore. Cotton fills his ears and everything feels far away. He can’t say it’s an unpleasant feeling. At least the bad emotions are gone now. Here it’s peaceful.

There’s no feeling here.

It’s nice.

~ ~ ~

  1. Himself



Tommy hasn’t left his bed all day. It’s not like he doesn’t _want_ to, it’s just he doesn’t see the point in doing so. The cotton is back again and nothing feels tangible, like it could all float away.

Or maybe Tommy’s the one floating away. That would make more sense.

Despite the thought, he doesn’t really care. It’s nice here, floating. His thoughts slip through his fingers like water and he doesn’t feel anything at all.

Emptiness is appealing and Tommy is content to stay within its kind embrace.

This continues for a while. Tommy isn’t sure how long. It might’ve been days, it might’ve been weeks. Time is tricky when there’s cotton in his ears and floating in his limbs.

He doesn’t eat anymore. Or at least, he can’t remember the last time he did. He doesn’t think he sleeps either, despite never moving off of his bed.

One day the cotton leaves for a moment, and he realizes how weak he is. His head spins and his breaths are deep and heavy, too slow. He can feel his ribs through his shirt.

He gets concerned for a moment before the cotton comes back and Tommy can’t find it in himself to care.

He’s not sure he knows how to anymore.

~ ~ ~

\+ 1

It’s one of the more coherent moments when something new happens.

Tommy’s lying in bed like usual, though the cotton isn’t as thick at the moment. He’s still drifting though, until a noise like a door being opened drags him back down to earth.

“Tommy?” The voice sounds vaguely familiar, but the sound of it makes Tommy’s heart clench and suddenly he doesn’t want to answer anymore.

He stays quiet, but then he hears the voice again, right next to him.

“Oh, Tommy.” They sound sad. Tommy opens his eyes for the first time in what feels like forever.

A blurry black and white face comes into view and Tommy finally puts a name to the voice.

It’s Ranboo. 

_Huh_. Tommy wonders why the enderman hybrid is here. Shouldn’t he be with Tubbo?

“R’nboo?” He murmurs, though it takes a great amount of effort. “What’re you doin’ here?”

Ranboo’s face slowly becomes less blurry and Tommy sees the extremely worried expression on his face. 

_Is he worried about me?_ Tommy wonders. He shouldn’t be. Tommy’s fine. 

“I’m here because no one has seen you in days, and Tubbo and I were worried,” Ranboo says, and it sounds like it’s coming from miles away.

Tommy hums absently. “‘M fine. Don’ needta worry ‘bout me.”

“Tommy you’re not fine. How long have you been laying here?” Ranboo asks worriedly. Tommy feels a hand on his head and he leans into the touch. He doesn’t feel great and if he could still feel he would say that the touch of another person is nice after so long without it.

“Dunno,” he slurs. “A week maybe.”

He hears Ranboo swear softly, before he feels himself being propped up against a wall instead of laying down like he had been. This clears the rest of the cotton away and Tommy can finally make a little sense of what’s going on.

He’s in his bed, with Ranboo crouched in front of him with a potion in his hand. Judging by the colour and slightly salty smell, it’s regeneration.

“Can you drink this for me Tommy?” Ranboo says quietly. “It’ll help, I promise.”

Tommy doesn’t care either way, so he accepts the bottle and drinks it as quickly as his limbs will allow him. They feel a bit like they’re stuck in a cobweb and they move so slowly.

Ranboo takes the bottle away from him when he’s finished and puts it away.

Tommy blinks as the potion begins to take effect and the world around him sharpens into complete clarity. His head feels better too, there’s no more cotton and now he just feels like shit. His stomach hurts and his mouth is dry and he feels so weak, like the smallest breeze could knock him over.

“Here, eat this.” Ranboo hands him a slice of bread next and Tommy bites into it carefully. He doesn’t particularly want to eat it, but Ranboo told him to and Tommy doesn’t feel like protesting. He doesn’t care anyway.

Ranboo also gives him a bottle of water and he sips it when Ranboo gives him an encouraging nod. 

They sit there for a while, Tommy nibbling on the bread and drinking water everytime Ranboo prompts him to. He feels a bit like a child being watched over by a parent. It’s not unpleasant, to Tommy’s surprise. It’s been a long time since someone’s looked after him.

Though he does wonder why Ranboo’s here. They’d never been _friends_ per say. Sure they’d done some arson together, and Tommy had defended him in court, and Ranboo had visited him in exile, but that was months ago. 

“Why are you here Ranboo?” Tommy asks when he’s finished with the water and bread. 

Ranboo blinks in surprise. “I already told you. Tubbo and I were worried about you.”

“I get that, but I don’t know why,” Tommy replies. “Why do you care about me? You both have been getting along perfectly fine without me so far. I don’t see why you need me now.”

He stops when Ranboo’s face falls and turns heartbroken. There he goes again, causing problems.

_Nope, nope, stop it_ , Tommy berates himself. _You’re feeling again. Stop doing that._

“Tommy, we care about you because you’re our friend,” Ranboo says softly. “You’re Tubbo’s best friend, his other half. That hasn’t changed.”

Tommy snorts. “I’m not his best friend, Ranboo. Haven’t been in a long time. Since exile, probably. Besides, he has you now. He doesn’t need me.”

Ranboo makes a small wounded sound, and Tommy feels bad for an instant before he shuts it down. Damnit, he’d been doing so well. All it took was one visit by another person and suddenly all the feelings were back. He hates it.

“Tubbo will always need you, Tommy,” Ranboo insists gently. “He’s been so worried about you the past couple of weeks. He’s been so scared that you didn’t want to talk to him, that’s why he didn’t come and see you. He loves you Tommy, I swear to you he does.”

Tommy stays silent and it’s only when Ranboo lets out a soft “oh, Tommy” that he realizes there are tears streaking down his face. He gasps softly, before letting out a sob.

He’s stupid, isn’t he? He’s _so_ stupid, because he’d gone and hurt Tubbo _again_ , even after promising to never do that again. That was the purpose of cutting himself off, so Tubbo _wouldn’t_ have to worry about him anymore and wouldn’t have to deal with his bullshit and wouldn’t have to have a terrible friend like Tommy. And instead he’d done it again, despite all his efforts. No matter how hard he tried, he could only ever hurt people.

“Tommy, Tommy I promise that isn’t true.” Ranboo says, and Tommy realizes he’s been speaking out loud. He cries harder and wishes for the cotton to come back. 

Ranboo pulls him into a gentle hug and Tommy lets him, finally giving into his craving for human interaction. 

He can’t do this anymore, he can’t live like this. It’s killing him and it’s killing Tubbo and Tommy will be damned if he lets anything hurt Tubbo ever again. He won’t let this end him, he won’t leave Tubbo behind. He won’t leave Ranboo behind either, because he realizes that maybe Ranboo really was his friend all along.

So he pushes the cotton away for now and lets himself feel, lets himself sob into Ranboo’s shoulder as the older boy holds him and rubs his back comfortingly.

When he’s finished crying his eyes out and rambling on and on about everything wrong with him, he pulls away from the hug and Ranboo lets him go, though he keeps a grip on Tommy’s arm. Tommy’s grateful for it.

“Sorry,” Tommy murmurs as he dries his eyes. 

Ranboo shakes his head and gives him a small smile. “Don’t apologize. You’re hurting and you need help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Tubbo and I are here for you and we always will be.”

Tommy manages to stop the tears this time, but it’s a close call. He’s feeling so many things at once and it’s overwhelming after weeks of feeling nothing at all.

Tommy’s not sure if he likes it, and he’s not sure he’ll be able to stop himself from slipping back under the cotton.

Luckily though, Ranboo and Tubbo will be there, like Ranboo promised.

And that promise is kept when Ranboo leads Tommy to Snowchester where Tubbo is waiting for them. When Tubbo launches himself at Tommy and wraps him in his arms and apologizes over and over for not being there when Tommy needed him. When they all go inside and collapse on the couch in a pile, Tubbo smushed against Tommy’s side and Ranboo’s arms around both of them.

Like this, Tommy thinks he might not mind feeling so much. He’s not sure he’ll feel the same tomorrow or a week from now, but right here and now he can feel the warmth filling his chest, the fondness and the love he had pushed away for so long. 

It’s better than emptiness, and that is enough for Tommy to try.

**Author's Note:**

> hope that hurt >:)  
> at least there was happy ending tho  
> comments and kudos give me life <3


End file.
